So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
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Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family