Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
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Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
This kid is going places
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.