Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
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oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was