just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
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I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?