Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
The first one, obviously
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
good let them take over I have had enough
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
paddle faster i hear baby shark
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.