I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
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I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.