Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
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She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.