Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
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Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*