Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
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Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.