For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
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*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.