Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
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[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
me, too, girl. me, too.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.