Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
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Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*