The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
You Might Also Like
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.