What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.