*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
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I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Chicken bread
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Kidney stones? Hard pass
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.