If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
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WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows