(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
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[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
My biological clock is wheezing.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.