me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
You Might Also Like
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
those birds must be on payroll
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
When libraries troll their patrons.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids