Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
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me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
The cake is mightier than the sword.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
What?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.