Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
You Might Also Like
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.