That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
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I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?