[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
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I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak