“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
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Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!