DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
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Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*