[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
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[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.