“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
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[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Natty or not?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.