“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
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Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy