Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
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Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Still cracks me up
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a