Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
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Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Room with a view.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.