Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
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FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
“and how does that make you feel?”
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”