I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
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“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
How about daylight saves us for once
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.