*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
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I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
oh u like geography? name every lake
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
[the middle of showering] I need a break
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.