Oh no 😂😂💔😭
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Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
*mops up wine with cat*
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).