Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
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a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.