ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
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Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
no regrets
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.