I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
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Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!