me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
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stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.