[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
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Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
This might be the funniest tweet ever
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island