There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
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Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”