You Might Also Like
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
rise and shine we got egg
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
my mind
You just read my mind
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early