My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
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“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Deer are just ballerina dogs
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.