What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
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Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.