“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
You Might Also Like
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
i now pronounce you bounced.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.