Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
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I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!