Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
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My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous