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These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.