Fight fire with water. Idiots.
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Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Tough love is true love
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes