If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Lmao the reply
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
a fate I wish upon no one
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork