When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
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*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire