*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
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On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
This is always good for a laugh.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.